Crossroads

Welcome to Crossroads, my online blog, journal and window to my soul. :)

I stopped writing about my personal experiences with cancer after my initial indoctrination into it during my first diagnosis. I kept trying to return to it, and I had done reasonably well. I'd built a respectable following on Suite 101 (when they paid us to write, before the blog explosion), where my editor at the time called me her "shining star". For someone who had always wanted to write and had never had the opportunity or solid subject, that might as well have been a Pulitzer. I wrote my two little books and am proud to have been able to help others through them. I managed a few magazine articles and wrote for some local starter papers. But as my disease progressed, I found that because of the nature of my illness, and being "disabled", one day began to run into the next. What was there to share that was different from the day before. I began to run out of pertinent, or emotionally relevant material. I wasn't't connecting with my audience or myself. Reminds me of the scene it "Wit" when Emma Thompson stops the action to explain that most days were simply sitting and staring at the ceiling. For purposes of the film she explains that this part of the cancer experience is shortened for our benefit. So who was going to benefit from my ceiling staring days. (More accurately "eyes glazed over TV watching" days.) I did find some solace in crafting, singing or Ebaying when I had the energy. Energy always being a precious resource during treatment.

Now that I am on a new plateau, facing the actual end of my timeline, and having to make those "end of life" decisions, I find that I have gone online in search of others and their views and plans. Whenever I do this I am more aware of how my feelings and experiences might influence others. If for no other reason than to know someone else has the same rational and irrational fears that I have. If others are brave enough to share then so am I. The journaling is highly cathartic, and I am happy to have the rush of ideas again, if not the circumstance that has given them to me.

So here I stand at this new crossroad, different doctors with different opinions on how long I have. With the heightened awareness that I may be reaching the "beginning of the decline" as one nurse put it, I now think with a different set of priorities. So between wanting to get final messages out, or sharing information about making wills and health care power of attorney decisions, I feel I again have some very important information and ideas I can share. Maybe some that you haven't heard quite so commonly. I always strive to go as deep and as honest as possible. So I hope you will visit this blog or series of articles often. And hopefully you won't have to be a cancer survivor to get something out of them.

Wishing everyone good health and inner peace,

Lauren

6 Nov 2008 Should I Stay or Should I Go?